First blog, first step.

My blog and little corner of the internet is simply an avenue to share myself with the world and take every avenue I can to express who I am and what I think because my time on this particular journey is limited and I have a lot to say. So much of it, I’m sure, has already been said and will probably be said again but I’ve realized that no one can really ever say it exactly how I can and so…I must.

As I continue to write, take and share pictures, create and express, more will come through, less fear will hold me back and things will get interesting but I know the beginning will be softer, quieter.

More often than not, I have not been able to express myself because it was something I was programmed not to do, like so many of us. The way I was raised and the context I was raised in did not support speaking if it made others uncomfortable. I went through a lot as a child and then young adult and then adult. The times I tried expressing, I was silenced in almost violent and violating ways, more so by family than anyone else. I didn’t mind public criticism but the family times were damaging. There’s been back to back trauma and there has been little to no time to simply heal until the last few years. Mid thirties is typically when many reach their inner healing, where childhood wounds are addressed. The same went for me. Now that I’m through my dark night of the soul, while establishing a business, and building a little home I can finally call my own, I’m ready to regain my ability to speak.

Recently, I went to a breathwork ceremony where the facilitator helps guide you through deep, constant, intense breathing which for many will trigger inner emotions, subconscious thoughts, or visions to surface. The why and how is for another time, if you haven’t experienced facilitated breathwork already. My second time in it though, I found that my focus was on releasing blocked energy and suppressed feeling from my throat. My throat is significant in my own life story not only because I’m doing this blog and learning how to speak again but because I use to sing and my singing was a very personal chapter that ended in trauma and deep heartbreak. So regaining my voice is multi-layered and difficult. Hopefully I will get to the point of singing publicly again but we’ll see.

I’m a student of alchemy, a medicine women and healer-guide, a hypersensitive clairvoyant, and philosopher. I have a love of vintage herbal book images, antique and rare books, and I am a bit obsessed with mortar and pestles. I also have a joyful appreciation for sexual symbolism, mythology, more than anything…new age-celtic and pagan culture.

My life symbol is and has always been the rose. Simple, cliche, and obvious but absolutely mine. It’s been a part of my life since I can remember. My mother passed tragically when I was not yet two and the Blessed Mother of my Catholic background became a companion image. She was always accompanied, in my mind, with roses. My grandmother, Nellie, was the next appearance of roses in my life. She was steady, overflowing with grace and kindness and in my mind, the rose of my life. She was my idol in every way. I aimed to be so much like her as a woman. Roses appeared again in my youth when I first listened to my older sister play “The Rose” made popular by Bette Midler on the piano. The song became another life companion as the song has helped me throughout my entire life, revealing new lessons every time I hear it. One of my first jobs was working with roses in a greenhouse and ever since then, I’ve always aimed to grow a rose garden.

So, I am that rose, once torn from the ground, I have rerooted. Like all roses, I am hard to kill and as I’ve regained my strength, I find that my new growth has given my brilliant color and thorns to protect me. My petals will not fade or fall and I will continue to reach for the sun.